Recently I have been hitting a lot of walls. I push myself forward and find that none of my plans work out. Some goals that once seemed doable now seem unending and exhausting. I've had a lot of ambition over the years but I'm slowly losing steam. I believe that God is showing me that He needs to be first and when I push Him aside to pursue my goals, things will not progress like I want.
My parents used to have a tiny dog that was full of energy. She would chase the ball for hours and still want people to throw it for her. Over the years her desire for that ball diminished and near the end of her life she would barely chase it at all. I have put a lot of energy into many pointless tasks and although I don't think they were necessarily a waste, they were not very important. I think God lets us burn ourselves out and come to the end of ourselves so we can finally come to Him and look at our situation honestly.
Exodus 2:11-15 11 Now it came to pass in those days, when Moses was grown, that he went out to his brethren and looked at their burdens. And he saw an Egyptian beating a Hebrew, one of his brethren. 12 So he looked this way and that way, and when he saw no one, he killed the Egyptian and hid him in the sand. 13 And when he went out the second day, behold, two Hebrew men were fighting, and he said to the one who did the wrong, “Why are you striking your companion?” 14 Then he said, “Who made you a prince and a judge over us? Do you intend to kill me as you killed the Egyptian?” So Moses feared and said, “Surely this thing is known!” 15 When Pharaoh heard of this matter, he sought to kill Moses. But Moses fled from the face of Pharaoh and dwelt in the land of Midian; and he sat down by a well.
Early in Moses' life he was very ambitious. He wanted to fight the oppressive power of the Egyptians and ended up killing one of them to defend an Israeli. His people didn't react the way he thought they would and he ended up having to flee to the desert where he spent many years farming. I believe this time was for him to mature and grow out of his ambition. When he came back years later, he had matured and learned a lot about leadership by being a Shepard. Not achieving his goals was the most important part of what lead to Israel being freed. If God had let him get what he wanted then things probably would have ended disastrously because he wasn't ready.
Luke 5:4-6 4 When He had stopped speaking, He said to Simon, “Launch out into the deep and let down your nets for a catch.” 5 But Simon answered and said to Him, “Master, we have toiled all night and caught nothing; nevertheless at Your word I will let down the net.” 6 And when they had done this, they caught a great number of fish, and their net was breaking.
When Peter was fishing all night he caught nothing. Jesus came to him and told him to cast his net again. He did reluctantly and ended up catching a lot of fish. He exhausted himself all night and failed to catch anything. Finally, by simply listening to God he was able to be fruitful. I feel like I have been fishing all night and have caught nothing. I believe that God is calling me to put Him first and to start spending more time seeking Him.
When I was younger, I went on a hike through the rocky mountains up a remote trail. The trail ended at a beautiful mountain lake. I decided to take a shortcut back and I had to descend a very steep rocky face. Snow was melting and water was running down the face. As I went down it got steeper. I had to use ledges and cracks to move downwards and if I started sliding I would have easily slid to the bottom. At a certain point I lost my nerve and I found a little flat spot to rest on and decide what I was going to do. I was down too far to get back up and I wasn't sure I would make it if I kept moving lower as some spots had very little to hold onto. I stayed for a while sitting in the snow on the rock and I prayed to God for help. I started thinking I would need to sit there until help came. After praying desperately for God to send me an angel to carry me down, I saw a subtle light as I looked down and to the left. It was like a little ledge was illuminated and so I took it as a sign and I carried on. I eventually reached the bottom and I have always used that event as a reminder that when I get stuck in life, I can call out to God and He will light my way.
I have poured a lot of energy into learning how to program over the last five years. It has become my singular focus and everything else has been pushed to the side, including my devotional time with God, prayer and my writing. I have been having a difficult time thinking clearly lately. I am having a hard time programming and I am having difficulty getting a programming job. I used to have the goal of one hour a day spent with God and God did amazing things in my life during that time. Over the years I lost perspective and my devotion slowly slipped away. For now I am putting aside some of my goals that have consumed my life and I am just going to focus on my Savior. I know that when it is time He will shine a light on the best way for me to spend my time.